She Looks Fine at School... What Teachers Really See

She’s Fine at School… But Is She? What Teachers Really See

What do experienced teachers actually notice about uniquely wired students… and what often gets missed?

In this episode, I sit down with veteran elementary teacher Heather Bearman, who shares what 30 years in the classroom has taught her about students who learn and think differently.

We talk about masking (especially in girls), the quiet signs of struggle that can go unnoticed, and what truly helps a child feel safe and understood at school.

If you’ve ever been told “everything looks fine at school” but know your child is struggling, this conversation will give you a new lens.

This episode is for parents, educators, and anyone supporting a uniquely wired child.

https://linktr.ee/uniquely.wired.child

Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:10

Welcome to Educating the Uniquely Wired Child. I'm Dr. Kristen Schimpe, an educational consultant, writer, former school-based behavior specialist, and most importantly, someone who spent years sitting across from overwhelmed parents who were told that their child was too much, not motivated, or just needed more consequences. If you've tried the behavior charts, reward systems, loss of privileges, and you're still stuck, this podcast is for you. Here we shift the lens away from behavior as defiance and towards skills, regulation, and developing strengths. In my last episode, a former student shared something that really stuck with me. She said that the teachers who helped her the most were ones who were also uniquely wired themselves. And that insight got me thinking about the educator perspective. So today's conversation brings us inside the classroom. I am joined by a veteran elementary teacher that I had the privilege of working with for many years, first during my time as a school-based behavior specialist, and later through my social thinking program work in schools. She brings three decades of classroom experience supporting students who learn and think in different ways. Today we're talking about what an experienced teacher notices about uniquely wired students, the subtle signs that a child might be struggling, even when things look fine on the surface, and how parents and educators can work together to better support these learners. So, welcome, Heather Beerman. I'm super excited to chat with you again. It's been a while since I've been in your classroom and I always loved being in your classroom. It was like a breath of fresh air to be in your teaching space. And I am still trying to wrap my head around the fact that you have been teaching for 30 years. So if that is in fact true, we're gonna call you the doogie hauser of teaching. So welcome to the podcast.

SPEAKER_00 2:34

Thank you. Thank you for having me. I'm happy to be here.

SPEAKER_01 2:38

You've been teaching for 30 years. So how has your understanding of neurodivergent learners changed over the course of your career?

SPEAKER_00 2:48

Oh, I think it's changed so much, but yet again, at the same time, not at all. I think I always had a kind of knack for zeroing in on those kids. They felt like my people. But I think my understanding of exactly where they're coming from has changed over time, and that now I feel a lot more confident about noticing the little signals and the things that I see that let me know there's a lot more happening in the background than what I'm seeing at face value.

SPEAKER_01 3:18

Right. And I remember a particular time in your classroom where we were reading a book as the start of a lesson, which is how we usually introduced new concepts. And one of your students was terrified by the book cover. And I remember you very calmly, you know, walking over to her, whispering, and you know, it's like you could see it. And you helped her make a choice. Like she didn't have to stay and listen and you know, for us read the book because if that made her feel uncomfortable, that wasn't the point. But I just remember you were able to pick up on, you know, those very subtle clues that she wasn't okay. And I think other teachers who don't have that gift of being able to spot things before it gets really big, then that's where things can go sideways in the classroom.

SPEAKER_00 4:19

I agree. I agree. I think that's been my mission lately in the last probably five to seven years, is trying to help my coworkers see those signals that are happening. Because it can be just like the example that you said that I have to say I don't even remember. You know, where you just you see that someone's uncomfortable or that child is struggling in the moment, and how can you help them feel safe? Which I think is the most important factor for a regular Gen Ed classroom is making sure that every child feels safe and comfortable in that space because they can't learn if they don't feel safe.

SPEAKER_01 5:00

Absolutely. And so what are some things that you have done to try and help your fellow teachers, other than obviously your years of experience? But what ways have you tried to provide that support and education?

SPEAKER_00 5:15

So I've now started, which was a big shift for me, doing a lot of leading staff development in our faculty meetings and inviting teachers into my classroom to come watch just the very beginning, start of my day, and how I start every day with my students to encourage them to also, you know, just take the 15 to 20 minutes to have a meeting with the whole class where everyone gets to speak and share and we talk about the things that are happening in the classroom that we need to work on or things that are going well. So they can see that when we take that time, then throughout the day, the kids feel more comfortable if there's a problem or something's happening that we need to work on. They know they can come and say, I think we should have a meeting and we need to talk about this. To put them more in touch with the what's actually happening for all the kids in the classroom, that it gives them a chance to really see every student, even if it's just for a moment in the day, and those kids feel connected with them, how powerful that can be for the whole management of your entire classroom, which I think Absolutely.

SPEAKER_01 6:23

Yeah. And, you know, just like you said, making that investment at the start of the day can go so far in making the day run so much more smoothly.

SPEAKER_00 6:34

Exactly, because we don't know what's happened before they walk into our classroom. And we don't know the environment that they're in when they're not with us. And some of our kids are not in a safe place all of the time when they're away from school. So if I can make at least that part of their day a safe space for them where they feel comfortable and they feel like somebody is behind them and someone sees them, that's so powerful. And I can do a lot of things when they feel that, when they know I'm invested and they know I care.

SPEAKER_01 7:06

I love that. I love that so much. All right. So one of the things that we talked about in the last episode was how many girls learn to mask their struggles at school. So, from a teacher's perspective, what are some signs that a student may be working much harder than it appears on the surface?

SPEAKER_00 7:27

Oh, I think there can be so many because it can be socially that they're working a lot harder than you notice, or it can be academically. And a lot of times they they go hand in hand, right? But I think girls are especially good at hiding it. They're especially good at just trying to go with the flow and not cause a problem and just they want to stay, they don't really want you to know that they're having a hard time a lot of the time.

SPEAKER_01 7:55

Right. And I think masking works really until it doesn't, right?

SPEAKER_00 8:00

Right. And and now I'm in fourth grade, teaching fourth grade after being in third grade for a really long time. And I feel like third and fourth grade is where I start to really see the kind of kinks in their armor, so to speak. And their parents start noticing it more, where maybe they've been able to get by with say if they're having trouble focusing, they maybe have been able to get by until things start getting harder now. And so they're really intelligent. They've been able to kind of slide under the radar, so to speak, because of that intelligence. But now things are getting more challenging and social situations are getting more challenging. They start having a harder time navigating that. And I think that's when we kind of start to notice those little changes where, like, maybe someone's categorized as being a daydreamy, but that's not really it. They're distracted or becoming distracted because it's hard. So you have to really pay close attention and watch them closely because they are really good at hiding it.

SPEAKER_01 9:01

Yeah, girls are really good at that. And it's to their detriment. You mentioned that the struggles could be socially and academically. And I agree with you that often those go hand in hand. They're not separate. And I remember when we were doing social thinking programming from our observations, third grade is where things really started to look different in terms of relationships and academics. And that's also when your favorite thing, EOGs, starts. So it could be a challenging time, and probably that's when the masking starts to become more of a challenge.

SPEAKER_00 9:48

Definitely. And I think with girls too, you know, with boys, often it's a lot more behavioral. We see a lot more acting out in a behavioral way. And with girls, it's almost like most of them go the opposite way, where they start kind of closing down more and making their shell harder. So I see them sometimes dis if they start distancing from people I know they were close with when the year started or that I've seen in the past. You know, our school is really small now. So we know these kids coming through. That's kind of a red flag for me to notice that, oh, you know what? She's not being as social as she was. She's not talking to her friends as much. Like, what's going on there? What can I do to intervene?

SPEAKER_01 10:30

All right. So I want you to think about a student who was uniquely wired, but was ultimately successful in your classroom. So, what do you think made that work for that uniquely wired student?

SPEAKER_00 10:44

So, a couple of years ago, I did have a student who was definitely uniquely wired in many ways. And her struggles were a bit academic and a lot social. And it was one of those situations where, you know, coming into the school year, even I'd already talked with mom and dad. They wanted to make sure that I was well aware of everything that was happening for this student, which I really appreciated. I think that's a really big thing, having that good communication with a family where they're upfront and let you know ahead of time these are the these are things that are happening for, you know, our person. That's so important. So that I was able to kind of start right from the beginning in building a relationship with her. Because I think that is one of the key things for these students, that not just knowing that you care about them or that you have respect for them, but that you're invested in them and what they need and what's happening. And so I just worked really hard at talking with her, talking about things she enjoyed, things she liked, trying to make those connections with her so that we could build trust. And then at the same time, I happened to have a really, really large class that year. I had 30 students that year in my class. Wow. And just building that relationship and environment in the class through through always meeting with them, sharing, giving them the opportunity to speak, continuing to build the trust that if something was wrong, she could come to me. If she was feeling overwhelmed, she could let me know. So we developed, you know, some signals she could give me, whether it was just like a little hand raise or a wave, or she would come to me and say, Miss Bannon, I need a minute, so that she could take that break that she needed. But it was really, really about building trust with her, that she knew I was a safe person and she could come to me and I have her back.

SPEAKER_01 12:38

I like that. And the signal idea is for me one of those universal strategies that I think a lot of teachers are sometimes reluctant to use because they feel like the student might abuse that privilege to take a break. And you know, they might think well, they're just gonna take breaks every time it's time to do something challenging. And so I'm not gonna, I'm not gonna use that. But I think it can go a long way in making a student feel safe, accepted, and learning a really important skill, which is being able to identify when things are overwhelming and doing something that's extremely healthy to manage that. So I like that a lot. And I'm sure in your communication with parents, which we'll talk about a little bit more, a lot of the things that you're doing in the classroom, they can also do the exact same things at home.

SPEAKER_00 13:43

Right. And my experience is that I don't think I've had, but maybe one student in all the years I've taught that took advantage of taking a break. They really only do it if they need it because they don't want to stand out. They don't want people to notice that they're doing something different. That's something that I've noticed, especially with girls. They want, they don't want to appear different from everybody else. And sometimes that break is was really just as simple as just being right in her space and stopping what she was doing. And I I'm usually, like you noted, I kind of try to, I can clue in and I can, it's like I have a little bit of radar sometimes and I can find those kids. But this one was a little more tricky to be able to tell when she was about to have a struggle. So the signal became really important for her. And it, but it also came down to me saying, I need you to show me with your signal that you need help because sometimes you don't show me that you need help.

SPEAKER_01 14:51

It's a teaching moment to give the signal, but ultimately the goal is for her to be able to identify that herself.

SPEAKER_00 15:00

Right. Because later, as they as students get older and get into middle school and high school, they have to be able to advocate for themselves in that moment. And they need to be comfortable and confident enough to do that. And so if I can help them practice that when they're eight, nine, or ten, I hope they take that with them. Absolutely.

SPEAKER_01 15:19

And and one of the activities in the workbook is having a student write out a script per se for asking for help, because I don't think it comes naturally to all students. So it the script says, This is hi teacher. Obviously, you you want to make sure that you're going to the teacher when it's a good time. Right. We always say, not after you get a bad grade on a test, probably not the best time to go and and talk to the teacher and you know, make sure it's a good time for the teacher, not in the middle of a lesson, but giving them those tools to say, this is an area that I struggle. Here's something that helps me. Can I use that in your classroom? Right.

unknown 16:07

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 16:08

It's so important. It's so important for them to feel that. And I think that goes back to like creating that environment in the classroom where they feel like it's a trusted space and a safe space for them to do that. Without that, they just it can't happen. So that's on me as the adult in the room to make sure that I'm providing that safe environment for all students.

SPEAKER_01 16:32

This leads right into the next question, which is what do you as a teacher wish parents understood about the classroom environment and the pressures that teachers face?

SPEAKER_00 16:47

That's such a big question, right? I think I wish that I could impress upon them how much like all teachers just want the best for their students. That's just not even in doubt. I know there's a few bad apples, there always are, but for the most part, I think the majority of teachers that are out there really just want the best for all students. I think in this time, we all know there's so much pressure. And there's everything is about the data. Like, I can't talk about how many times we talk about, we meet to talk about the data and the numbers. And I'm always the first person in the room to say they're people. And so even though there's all this outside noise, like the teachers and the educators that are in the classroom, to us, they're people first. And speaking for myself, I know that if I don't take care of the people that are in front of me, then it doesn't even matter what the numbers are. The numbers will be terrible if I'm not taking care of the people who are in front of me. And if I can meet them where they are, we can do great things and growth will happen. And to me, that's more important than any number, the growth of each student and where they started and where they've ended up. And just me hoping that I've made some kind of positive difference for them that they can carry with them for the future. But I think that's what I would want them to know the most, that it doesn't matter how many students are sitting in front of me. I'm going to try to meet every one of them where they are so that they can all grow and gain something from their time with me. And I hope everybody is proficient, but I know that their growth is more important than that. Their social growth and emotional growth is just as important.

SPEAKER_01 18:39

Absolutely, because you know, you can get threes and fours on your EOGs, but if you don't know how to interact with your peers or how to interact with an adult, you're not going to be very successful in life. You have to be able to do those things. But then I also know that pressure for data and proficiency, competency, all of those words are what you hear all the time.

SPEAKER_00 19:10

Yeah, it's very real. Like there's a lot of talk about data and numbers and growth and proficiency and this is where we are. How do we get to where we need to be? And again, if we don't focus on the kids and where they are in all realms as a whole person, then you can't make any change for them. So I just keep on reminding the powers that be whenever they say something that, you know, my focus is the whole student and their social emotional learning and growth as well as their academic growth. And that's why I think the data is the way it is for my students in my class. Because without them feeling safe and comfortable in my classroom environment, they can't learn. If they're always in a fight or flight mode, they can't learn. So we have to make sure that it's a good, safe, comfortable, calm environment for everyone so that we can get a results.

SPEAKER_01 20:11

Absolutely. And I love that your voice is there in those meetings to say it's not about threes and fours, right? Let's, you know, it's threes and fours are a part of a part of it, right? But you've got to look at the whole student and their individual growth. Because I'm sure that as a teacher, if you have a student who showed tremendous growth over the course of a school year, but they didn't get that magic three, that doesn't mean that that year wasn't successful for them.

SPEAKER_00 20:50

Exactly. And I have a student like that right now, where my goal is not for him to be proficient. My goal is for the student to show growth and to gain confidence in himself so that going forward, he can get to proficient. But it's not going to happen right now. But if if I don't cultivate that confidence and that he can believe in himself that he can do it, he won't get there. So that's been a lot of conversation too this year.

SPEAKER_01 21:18

Wow. All right. So if a parent suspects that their child is struggling, but school says, everything's fine, no, you don't need to worry. What would you suggest to that parent?

SPEAKER_00 21:30

That they should keep on talking. They need to keep talking to the school because a lot of times kids appear fine at school. But like we talked about before, they're masking what's happening. And so a lot of times they do make it through their day, like everything is fine and normal, and then they fall apart when they get home because that's their safe place, right? With people who they trust. So keeping that communication with the teacher is super important to let the teacher know like, hey, these are. Are the things that we're seeing at home? These are the things that they're talking about when they come home. Are you seeing anything similar to this at school? Because a lot of times, even though it's not the exact same behavior, we're seeing something on a lower level at school that maybe isn't really big. So the teacher's not keyed into it. But the biggest thing is communication to form that partnership and make sure it's a trusted partnership too, between parents and teachers. And that's a huge part of all of it.

SPEAKER_01 22:30

And I think too, keep talking to teachers, but also parents should keep talking to their child. Absolutely. And letting their child know you can come to me. And especially for girls, that you know, you the expectation isn't that you get perfect grades, you know, that we will support you and love you without perfection.

SPEAKER_00 22:57

Right.

SPEAKER_01 22:58

So, you know, getting yeah, getting parents to focus on that progress instead of perfection.

SPEAKER_00 23:05

Because often those girls are pleasers, right? They don't want anyone to be upset with them. They don't want to make a mistake, and then they start crumbling under the pressure that they're putting on themselves instead of reaching out for help, too, because they don't want to be a bother. They don't want to, you know, disappoint everyone.

SPEAKER_01 23:26

And they might not even know. I've said this so many times to parents of girls. Parents will say, Well, I've never expected them to be perfect or, you know, make straight A's. But I don't think a lot of times there's ever really a conversation about that. The girl may intrinsically feel that that is how she has to be and has no concept that her parents don't feel that exact same way.

SPEAKER_00 23:56

Exactly. You're exactly right. It's just, it's something that comes from within. I have a I do have a student this year that in a in our conference, her parents said, boy, we would really love for her to experience a failure now so that that takes the pressure off later because she's so perfectionist oriented and always wants to get a hundred. And I thought that's really powerful when you think about it, because you can't always get a hundred and it's gonna happen.

SPEAKER_01 24:27

Right. And so, what would be a safe way? This is an honest question. What would be a safe way for that student to experience a challenge? So, what would be a safe way for that student, for example, to meet a challenge and struggle?

SPEAKER_00 24:45

I try to incorporate that into the classroom where, you know, I think the fancy buzzword right now is grappling, which has just been a normal part of my classroom experience. I'm very big on, okay, you have the answer, but how'd you get that answer? Why is that the answer? Or why did you do that strategy? And so for this student, it took a good probably first half of the year before she was really comfortable to be able to tell me how she solved something or why she did it that way, because she thought there was a right answer that I was looking for. So I try to just naturally incorporate for all of them these opportunities for them to kind of struggle with something. The other buzzword is productive struggle to have them struggle, but have it be a safe place too. So we're having I provide that opportunity to work with a challenge. And it's okay letting them see it's okay if you did this a different way than someone else. If your way didn't work, are you willing to try something new? So can you have enough flexible thinking to try to look at it from a different angle? So just trying to really provide a student like that with the opportunity to know that there's not one right way to do everything. There are a lot of different ways and a lot of different ways of thinking. And sometimes you need to adjust your thinking in the middle of something for it to be successful. And so far, that's been working and she's made some progress with it.

SPEAKER_01 26:15

So nice to carry it with her. Absolutely. Well, and this conversation makes me think about Aiden, my son in fourth grade. He had a really cool math teacher who was also his advisor for for the school year. And she would say to Aiden, Aiden, how are you going to tackle that problem? And he said, You're supposed to show me the right way to do it. And I'm supposed to do it that way so I don't get in trouble. And she said, Oh, no, no. No, she was like, There's many different ways that you can tackle that. But that was his mindset was that I have to do it the way that the teacher tells me to do it. And as long as I do it that way, I'm good to go. And I'm not gonna stick out, I'm not gonna get in trouble. And so it took her like a good first half of the school year to kind of undo that way of thinking in his mind.

SPEAKER_00 27:12

Yeah, because you have to build that trust with them, right? That you really do want to see what they think.

SPEAKER_01 27:19

Absolutely. Well, and interestingly, she was supposed to have retired the year before. And so at her retirement party, I hugged her and said that she was supposed to stay one more year to make my aid in love school again. So we were yeah. Okay, so what advice would you give to new teachers? I know you mentioned that you do some professional developments and try to bring in those different perspectives. And I love that you have teachers come in and watch that morning meeting to kind of get that day started in a trusting, safe way. But if a brand new teacher came to you, what advice would you give her about supporting uniquely wired students?

SPEAKER_00 28:08

I think the most important thing is that it is okay to take the time out of your day to build that relationship with those students. That it doesn't have to just be always about learning and what's the standard you're teaching that day, and what is what's the plan, but it is okay to take even just two minutes to talk to that student and establish that relationship with them so that they can feel safe in that classroom. That is the most important part of what we're doing for all students, but especially those kids that are uniquely wired, because they're seeing all the things, they're feeling all the feelings that are happening. And often I find that they're really clued into just if there's an anxious energy in that room, it's gonna amplify theirs. And so take the time to just quietly have a conversation with them, talk to them about something that they love and let them feel heard because I think a lot of times some of these kids, especially our girls who are kind of trying to slide below the radar, they don't feel seen. And I think making all the kids feel seen and heard that they're important in the classroom community is the most important thing. It's worth the time because taking that little bit of time is probably going to save you time later.

SPEAKER_01 29:45

Absolutely. And I think it's important to also let that new teacher know that taking that time, that's not wasting instructional time. That is actually teaching very, very, very important skills that all students need, but especially those who are uniquely wired, because it doesn't really matter how much you know content-wise if you can't reach your students.

SPEAKER_00 30:16

Right. And so that was a conversation I had to have with administration, who thankfully was really on board with everything. But that that time in the morning to have a morning meeting, it's not a waste of time. It's so valuable. It's everything because when we take that time and start the day like that and practice all of those social skills that every kid needs, but our uniquely wired kids need even more to practice saying good morning to someone, to practice how you wait your turn and how you listen actively when someone else is speaking is huge. And all of those things, doing those little things. Well, we play just a little tiny rock, paper, scissors game that takes all of two minutes, that makes the whole rest of the day go so much smoother because we've set the tone for everything, and then we can learn.

SPEAKER_01 31:06

And they're learning one of the things that I think would is most important, and that's how to be a good problem solver. Yes. Well, one of the things I hope parents take away from this conversation is that supporting uniquely wired children isn't about finding the perfect strategy or the perfect program. It's about building understanding between parents, educators, and the kids themselves. When the adults around the child begin to see their challenges through the lens of skills and strengths rather than motivation or behavior, everything starts to shift.

SPEAKER_00 31:50

It has to be intrinsic, right? So we don't want things to just happen because of an extrinsic motivation. We want it to be an intrinsic motivation for these, for all kids.

SPEAKER_01 32:02

I interrupted you, and I don't know if you remember, but when we were doing social thinking programming in your classroom, we talked about interruptions. And there's two kinds. There's rude when the person interrupts just to make the other person stop talking, but a fair interruption is what I just did, which is when my words bump into your words because I'm excited about what you're talking about. So constantly, there's constantly things that you can teach and practice and you know, show your students that, you know, you're always working on things too.

SPEAKER_00 32:42

So powerful for them to see us make mistakes in real time, right? So powerful. That's something that happens in my room every day.

SPEAKER_01 32:51

Well, if today's conversation resonated with you, I hope you'll share this episode with another parent, educator, caregiver who is supporting a uniquely wired child. And you can also learn more about my work and resources for families through the link in the show notes. And if you enjoyed this episode, I did. It was fun talking to Heather, subscribe and leave a review so that more families can find these very, very important conversations. So until next time, keep looking beyond behavior and keep building systems that help uniquely wire children thrive.